It's taken a lot of deliberation over the past few years, but I have finally decided to discontinue my PhD program. I've had a lot of conversations with various people about this but it has been my decision to make. And it's been a tough decision. Black women with PhDs are still not that numerous (though the number is growing). For such a long time, the PhD was a sign of my potential; pursuing the PhD said to the world, "Yes, I'm a smart as you thought I was". It was interesting, as I talked to one of my friends who is applying for PhD programs now: I told her to ask herself why she wanted the PhD and if she could do what she wanted without it. She told me that she wanted the PhD so she could be smart. Admittedly, that stung a little, given that I've been toying with the idea of stopping this pursuit essentially since 2008. Was I giving up my opportunity to be smart?
I passed the classes and the qualifying exams. Technically, I am a qualified PhD candidate. I've proven my intelligence. I remember when I was thinking of applying to different doctoral programs, ones more focused on international development. I kept saying that I didn't want to redo the coursework and later, exams. But when I think back on my classes, none of them destroyed me. I got A's in every class I took at Rutgers. A 4.0 GPA. I literally haven't seen that since the beginning of the last decade. So it's not like I couldnt' do it again. I mean, I did pledge, I mean...graduate from MIT.
The past 2.5 years have allowed me time to question whether it was just frustration or was it that I was burnt out. Was it me or the program? How useful will the PhD be in the field? I feel like I've gotten all I need from this particular program. I felt like I only had one person really in my corner and everyone else was just trying to figure out a way to fit me in. There were only a few professors in the "International Development" section, two of whom were frequently on sabbatical. The professor they begged to be my dissertation chair, well, they had to beg her. She wasn't invested in me and I wasn't invested in her. But she was the only one with ID experience with enough tenure to be my chair. I saw the signs early on and this last semester was just my breaking point. When I talked to my friends, they would say "You're halfway there. You might as well finish". Ha..if only you knew. The classes were the easy part. The exams...not as easy but again, nothing I couldn't repeat. The hard part was nailing down my interest and trying to force something that didn't match. I have urban planning interests, but I'm also interested in community development and international development. And women and youth. Sometime in 2009, I had to admit to myself why I applied to doctoral programs. It seemed like the natural thing to do. I enjoyed writing papers, I liked doing research (or so I thought). I realized that I wrote decent papers and could be a good writer with some more tweaking. My mom always told me that I would be a great researcher, that's something she could see me doing. And I didn't want to apply for jobs, because I didn't know what kind of jobs I was interested in. I like infrastructure, I like problem solving/ trouble-shooting, I like helping disadvantaged groups, I like history, I like helping people, I like education. You see how this was problematic? So I applied and figured that, if I didn't get into a school, THEN I'd apply for a job (or go sit on my parent's couch for the next year). And I got accepted to schools. And I chose Rutgers because the professors I met were nice and they gave me a full scholarship.
When I talk to people now about graduate school, I ask them why they want to get a PhD. Why do they think they need it? In some fields, yes, to do certain things, you definitely need it. It depends on what you're trying to do, though. After working and looking at the types of jobs I would want to have in the future, I realized that, to do what I want to do, a PhD is not going to give me that much of an advantage. People keep saying "A Black woman with a PhD? You'll be a rare commodity". True. But do you know how many people working international development are Black? Like, African American? As in, born in the United States and working in this field? Few. I am pretty sure that there are two African Americans working in my mission of 225 people. And the other guy has a distinct accent that definitely makes you question that "American" part (but I haven't seen the man's birth certificate so I'ont know). Add in these two degrees from one of the most prestigious and assumed to be difficult institutions in the country and hell, I'm still rare. What I did realize though, when looking at potential positions, was that I didn't have experience. Sure, I could have a PhD and some organizations might excuse a few years of experience, but I would be competing with people with Masters degrees with five years of experience (or more). If I hadn't started working, I would have finished (hopefully) and tried applying for practitioner positions and they would have said: "Ok, you can read. You know methods and are now an expert in this one area. What have you done?" And I would have nothing to say. You don't need a PhD to be a consultant; you need years of experience, at least in my field. Shoot, you really don't even need one to teach at the university level. My professor for my Intro to Urban Planning class was an urban planner, without a PhD. The PhD, isn't a sign of intelligence; it's a sign of endurance.
So, maybe in a few years, I'll resume this pursuit, with some years of practical experience under my belt and a better focus on what I'm really interested in. I wouldn't discourage anyone from getting their PhD; I would just pose the question of why and do you need it? It's a long process to go through just for how it looks to others or based on other people's expectations. You'll be respected but that respect won't get you through those frustrating years that feel like an eternity. I would also encourage people to work before working on their PhD. I felt like I was at a disadvantage oftentimes in my Masters program because people spoke from experience, while I sat there thinking...well, at my internship, I saw.... You have to go in focused on a target when you start a PhD (or have a lot of people to help guide you); I didn't have a target other than international development (which is a start but, in my opinion, not enough).
So much of what drove me to stay in the program was this feeling that other people would be disappointed. My friends, my family, etc. Oh no, she's not living up to her potential! And the PhD was the only way to do that. What happened after I finished? Was that my peak? I was so concerned about what other people were going to think-- that I was a quitter, that I couldn't do it. Why couldn't it just be that I didn't want to anymore? That it's not for me. Admittedly, there's a certain amount of attention and awe that come with working on/ obtaining a PhD. People think you're smart and that you're doing something incredible (like your dissertation is going to cure cancer...mine wasn't). I'll miss that. Then I'll just tell them I went to MIT and that'll bring back the awe :) (just kidding/ not really).
I've come to terms with my decision and am a lot less stressed (and have a lot more free time). I realized that I've been in school since 2002. That's almost ten years of going with the flow. I'm happy that I'm taking these steps (getting a job, moving across the world) to figure out what it is I really want to do and freeing myself from the expectations of what people think I should be doing and doing what makes me happy (or...again, at least taking steps to get there). Free at last.
